THICK AND TIRED

A recent blog presented the annual question of whether or not the Victoria’s Secret fashion show is detrimental to women. How healthy can it be, it proposed, to see such stick figures as the example of what women should look like? Ah yes, the celebration of skinny women is now accepted as the root cause of all self-esteem concerns and the simple fix is to provide more images of varying body-types.  This particular blog points out that models twenty years ago weighed an average of eight pounds less than an everyday woman, and now they weigh an average of over twenty pounds less than an everyday woman. Damn skinny bitches. We all love to hate them.

In my line of work, I know a thing or two about women and body image. Forty to fifty hours a week, I am standing right next to every Miss Smith and Mrs. Anderson as she looks in the mirror and for the hundredth time that day tells me why the very great shirt she has on isn't going to work, because she is too fat … or the jeans aren't going to work because she is too old … or why the jacket she loves in not practical because it draws attention to her thighs. Lord have mercy, if one. more. woman. tells me she has this super unique problem that I could never understand, which is that she carries weight in her thighs, I might lose it. You are not unique; you are a female. GASP – all females carry weight in their thighs. And what’s worse is that if I give an honest, genuine compliment to any one of the hundreds of women I work with in a given week, I am subject to a throw-down of thigh-proportions. “You’re just saying that”, “Easy for you to say, you’re skinny” (this one is ALWAYS said to me by someone who is scientifically my same size), “Ugh – thanks, but I really know I need to lose weight”, or there is the classic eye-roll. You know what, Lady? I am trying to be nice and you’re calling me a lying idiot who can’t understand what she’s looking at.

Here’s another layer to this incessant and obsessive need to self-deprecate; I swear to you, women are showing off for each other in groups to see who can hate herself more. It is a badge of honor to prove you’re the most “humble”. When I announce that I think I am hot, when I admit I love my body and want to show it off when I can, I make other women nervous. They laugh. They call me “funny”. Haha – nothing funny about this; I just like myself and don’t have time to think about myself soooooooooooooooo much that I notice everything wrong with my body.

Think I’m insensitive? Consider this: a few weeks ago, a woman came into my store to browse. She picked up a tunic that had been making winners out of those low self-esteem competitors. It looked bad … on everyone. Hoping to keep this train from derailing, I smiled and asked if she was looking for a tunic in particular or would be open to other options. She mentioned she had just liked the look of this piece, and I offered to find something that had the same feel, but might be more flattering, as this one has a tendency to grab in the area she was carrying weight in.

It’s what I do. I am a personal stylist. I help people pick out clothes that are the most flattering.

The next day, I was excited to hear from several community members the woman had written a blog about her experience. How nice! I have gotten thank-you cards, and phone calls, and teary-eyed expressions of appreciation, but never a whole blog dedicated to the hours and hours I put into helping women see themselves honestly and celebrate their bodies.

Except that’s not what this blog was about …

I was accused of being an “anorexic twenty year-old” who doesn't understand what it means to have children (oops!), and needs to eat a hamburger. I was then blamed for the majority of the world’s problems, because it is never ever ever ever ever ever appropriate to talk about a woman carrying weight. Ever. In fact, when I called her and explained I was so sorry for how the situation had been interpreted, she made it clear it is an international rule that we never discuss women’s bodies. And in her “apology” blog, she asserts that even though she maybe went too far in her earlier piece (which included the assertion I should be punched), she wanted to make it clear I had still done wrong.

Let’s be honest: the message wasn't really that it is never okay to talk about a woman’s body, only that it is terribly wrong to talk about a woman who isn't skinny’s body. This very blog, that went on and on about my crime, clearly discussed my body and how horrible it was. Legions of stay-at-home moms gleefully joined in the bullying, commenting on her page about how it was “about time”.  It is about time for what, exactly? To swing the pendulum of whose body we hate most? To insure that thin women get what they had coming? To propose that the best way to create positive self-image is to attack anyone who doesn't appear to be struggling with it? To teach heavy women that they should be so self-conscious about their bodies that if another woman discusses it with them, they must assume it is an insult?

Here’s a thought; you want to know how to learn how to love your own body? Learn to love other people’s first. My career has put me in dressing rooms with 65 year-old bodies in bras and cotton undies. I've reached my hands down the shirts of new moms to adjust nursing bras for them. I've tugged at the waistline of size 16 pants, and size 0 pants. I've counseled triathletes to believe they can feel feminine. I've told a grandma she can give herself permission to feel sexy, and a twenty-two year-old to feel okay with leaving sexy behind for professional. I've seen stretch marks, sagging, great muscles, and the distinct tautness of a young woman struggling with an eating disorder. And with every brush stroke on the beautiful canvas that is femininity, I have let go of concerns over my own body.

 Every comment I make about my cellulite is a comment that could have gone towards telling another woman how much I admire her runner’s calves. Every moment staring in the mirror at my tired eyes (ps – if you know a good cream, I am open to suggestions) is a moment I am not complimenting another woman on how she has these great little flecks of brown in her hazel eyes. All those moments spent lost in front of a mirror that no longer showed a twenty-one year-old beauty queen were moments I wasn't telling other mothers that they are beautiful and capable and wonderful.

 Not only did I lose those moments, but when other mothers heard me complain about not recognizing myself anymore, I was enforcing their own demons.  We cause each other to believe that not recognizing yourself anymore is a bad thing. It’s not, Ladies. It’s a beautiful thing to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself; it means you’re changing. And that means you’re living. Getting to buy new clothes when you've “grown” doesn't just belong to school children. Just as my daughter will wear size 8 next year, instead of 7 – I will be wearing clothes next year for a woman who knows more about leadership than last year. It means your soul and heart and very being have experienced the wisdom revealing itself in the soft lines around your mouth and nose and eyes. It means you can see a twenty year-old model and know she is beautiful without thinking you’re not. She is different. She offers something unique in her world, just as you do in yours. Good for her … she is not your enemy.

Maybe, juuuuust maybe, the times we feel like we need the most encouragement to love ourselves are actually the times we need to get over ourselves. Try it. Spend less time this week looking in the mirror. Make it a point every time you want to insult yourself to compliment someone else instead. When someone pays you a compliment, set an example and accept it graciously. If you find yourself in a body-bashing conversation with other women, see what happens if you change the tone and speak matter-of-factually about bodies, the way we do other traits.

The moment you feel jealously, defeat it with appreciation. Let other women be beautiful and see if you don’t notice that there’s less time to analyze whether or not you are. If you have daughters, consider that the best thing for their self-esteem includes a healthy balance of not only reminding them they are beautiful, but setting an example of comfortably acknowledging that other young women are, too.

Will I still have days when I am eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and feeling sorry for myself as golden-haired gazelles prance across my TV and computer screens? Of course. But, if my daughter points to those models and says, “Ooh Mommy, those girls are pretty!”, I won’t jump into a lecture about how that’s not what her ideal needs to be, or call them “too skinny”, or balance her out with photos of curvier women. I’ll tell her she’s right; they are beautiful … and so is she.

Peace.

JNACK

Month of April: Skinny Jeans, Stripes, and Scarves PART 1: SKINNY JEANS

Skinny jeans. If you’re anything like me, your first introduction to this seemingly anti-mom trend was while you were trying not to lose control of the wheel as you reached back to slap small children. And there she was … the toothpick skinny 20 year-old whose perky breasts were gallivanting across the crosswalk of Main and Third. Her silky blond hair whipped in the breeze, the sheerness of her blouse lovingly caressed a flat tummy and boobs whose life had yet to literally be sucked out of them. Her tiny, tiny, tiny, little bottom was hugged by the flattering stretch of a new denim, one you’d never seen in your heyday of Express dark-washes and Abercrombie vintage boot-cuts.

That’s all it took for me to hate the trend. It was different, and it was created for tiny, pretty people during the exact era I was trying to look sexy for my husband while I carried a small human around in my belly, and hoped there wasn’t still vomit drizzle on my chin from the violent morning sickness I experienced. How dare they? I mean, really, how dare they?! What kind of caring world can we say we live in, when fashion minions everywhere go to work designing, and sewing, and peddling new ideas during my lowest (and I mean lowest) time? I would not wear skinny jeans. If for no other reason: principle.

So, when I say I get it … I get it. And as a professional stylist who specializes in outfitting moms, I recognize that distinct fear I see in a woman’s eyes anytime I ask, “Are you open to trying skinny jeans?” Ha! Are you open to wearing a swimsuit in public? Are you open to going braless? Are you open to leaving your house without mascara? What about driving without your seatbelt, is that a risk you want to take? These are all comparable questions.

Since I do this forty hours of every week, let me take a stab at why skinny jeans won’t work “for you”. You carry weight in your thighs. They give you a muffin top. “Skinny jeans” are for “skinny people”. You’re too old for skinny jeans. Your calves are too big. You’ve tried them on before, and they just don’t look good on you. Ah yes, I hear you loud and clear. And here’s the good news: no fairy will lose her wings if you don’t ever wear skinny jeans. However, at least hear me out as a recent convert, a mom, and a professional stylist.

Less is more. Yep! You say it every morning when your kids shovel sugar into their cereal bowls. You say it in the afternoon when they poor glue onto the back of Popsicle sticks. You say it when your little girl reaches for the glitter, when your dog licks you to show his affection, and when your son yells to get your attention. You say it when your neighbor says, “Hi”, through a toothy grin lined with your grandmother’s peach lipstick, and Lord Almighty, you say it when your husband reaches over for a little somethin’ somethin’ at the end of a long day with small people.

But when it comes to your denim, you have convinced yourself that the best way to look smaller is to cloak yourself in as much thick, heavy fabric as possible. And you keep a little flare at the bottom, because despite the fact you fell in love with these jeans back when you stuck a little stiletto underneath there, you like to rock that scuffed hem that you trip over just a lil’ bit when you’re strutting the grocery store in your Asics.  

The truth is that less is more. Skinny jeans remove the extra little half inch that traditional denim-fits add to your figure. But more importantly, they show off the wonderfully feminine silhouette traditional denim-fits can hide. Will they make you look more “hippy” and draw attention to weight in your thighs? Possibly, yes. But guess what? You. Are. A. Woman. And women carry weight in our hips and thighs; it is part of what makes us beautiful.  Additionally, if they are worn correctly with tops that flatter you, you have the ability to draw attention to the slenderness of your legs, your natural waist, and your décolleté in a way that can’t be balanced appropriately with wide leg or boot cut denim.

You can’t create a masterpiece without a canvas. Seriously. And here is the great conspiracy of the fashion industry … they follow trends and produce pieces based on what is selling. I know; it’s crazy. But, it’s what we have to deal with. Prior to converting to skinny jeans, I was often annoyed with the flowing, longer tunic-tops that were popping up everywhere. Ick, if you’ve had to wear maternity tops, why would you ever choose to wear maternity tops? Again, the world of fashion seemed to be catering to tiny, small people who had never had to consider such things before making a purchase! After the switch to skinny jeans, however, I suddenly began to have luck with tunic tops (the right tunic tops). Why? Many of the tops currently on the market are meant to compliment … you got it … skinny jeans.

Are you noticing you seem to have a problem finding tops that work for you after having children? Are you assuming things just don’t “fit right” anymore? Are you saying things like, “I just don’t like any of the styles out right now” anytime you shop for clothing? Do you assume it’s the weight in your stomach, or the flabbiness of your boobs that is causing nothing to fit? Or do you attempt to find a few pieces to match what you currently have, with little luck?

I can discuss finding appropriate fits for tops in another blog, but for now – let me suggest this: if you haven’t switched over to the new denim trends, you will not be able to switch over to new blouse, jacket, accessory, or shoe trends. The runways of Milan, Paris, and London are not filled with pant-less models (okay, maybe sometimes, but you get my point). Trends cycle through from head-to-toe and when you limit your denim silhouette to what was comfortable several years ago, you limit all of your outfitting options. In doing so, you limit how good you’re able to feel, as well.

Trendy Top and Scarf without the correct "canvas" vs. Top and Scarf with correct "canvas"  

Think that sounds crazy? Tell me you feel the same lounging with your husband in sweatpants with a Netflix movie as you do when you dress up and go out to dinner, and then we can talk. The expansion of your denim options means the expansion of your outfitting options and that means the expansion of ways you can feel good when you walk out of your closet. You can make biscuits with butter subbed for shortening, but it ain’t gonna’ be the same … if you know what I’m sayin’ … and I think you do.

Denim should be a mom’s “splurge” investment. Ever hear someone joking that the woman in church is wearing “mom shoes”? What about a “mom scarf”? When you were in college did you make fun of a professor for sporting a “mom blazer”? Probably not, but I assure you that in any of the above situations you have joked about “mom jeans”. Why? Denim is the uniform of mothers everywhere. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom who loves comfort and casual style, a working mom who has learned to get away with dark denim at your job, or you’re working from home and need to be out of your pjs to get motivated … if you’re a mom – you spent a lot of time in your jeans.

I did not come from a wealthy family; my parents often got our clothing for school from Goodwill (before that was cool) or Wal-Mart. My mom watched the budget closely at the grocery store, and my dad always drove a used car. But, when it came to the things that mattered, they always splurged, because they recognized the value in getting the best of the best when it came to the things we really needed and used. My little brother had a top of the line saxophone by age 14. As a result of this investment, he hasn’t had to purchase a new one since; he is 26 and using the very same instrument purchased twelve years ago to work on his doctorate in classical saxophone. I remember calling my frugal parents and nervously asking them to purchase a $1300 Tony Bowls evening gown for an upcoming pageant I had worked very hard to prepare for. They said, “yes”, and I later used the over $60,000 in pageant scholarships I won to pay for my undergrad degree.

The poorest runner will buy the best running shoes. The poorest chef will splurge for organic ingredients. A starving artist will often have the latest in brush and paint supplies. A passionate musician will spend his last dollar on the gas money to get to his next gig. A committed student will be admired for living in a shanty so that she can finish her doctorate degree. A nurse will buy Danskos, because she is on her feet for 12 hours at a time. For crying out loud, you are a mom – if denim is going to be your uniform, have it say, “I love myself and I think I am hot”.

$200 is a lot for a pair of jeans, yes. It is not a lot, however, to be the staple of every outfit you put together – whether dressy or casual.

Tips!

1.  Go small or go home! Premium denim keeps its flattering shape with the use of quality fabrics, like Lyrca. Good denim will naturally relax as you wear it. Trust me, this is the hardest conversation I have to have with moms every day, but if you buy your denim to fit comfortably, it will be much too loose after the first wear. Buy your denim tight, and I PROMISE you’ll be happy when it relaxes after a few hours and fits perfectly.
2.  Go to a specialist. Yes, the Macy’s sale rack has some awesome deals! And when you have established yourself as a fashionista who knows exactly what she is looking for, then I encourage you to dive in on exciting quests to find steals on the brands you know work for you. Until then, my dear sweatsuit-wearin’ friend, let the professionals handle it. Macy’s hourly workers are trained to be customer service specialists. They know how to point you to the right department, to ring you up at the register, and to get a dressing room started for you. They are not specialty-trained in fitting people in premium denim the way a boutique stylist will be.
3.  Start with a straight leg if you’re not ready to go skinny! Many straight leg jeans can be worn with the same styles and silhouettes as a skinny, but will not taper at the ankle. This makes it good transition denim for those wanting to update their look, but not go all the way with a skinny. Or, ask a stylist to point out a skinny jean with a wider knee and calf.
4.  Baby your denim. Pay attention to washing instructions and NEVER put denim in the dryer. This will help keep that sleek, skinny-jean fit and look.

Just think! If enough of us moms rock the skinny jean, we can make it uncool enough that those little 20 year-olds will have to find something else … Then we get to do this allllll over again with the next trend! J

God speed!

JNACK